What are you going to be when you grow up Sarah? A mommy...it was so simple, so easy to reply as a little girl. The only dream I had was to be a wife and a mother. To feel my little one move, kick, and grow inside me. To have my husband come home and rub my belly talking to our little one and act like a googly eyed goof ball. These were my dreams until my world came crashing down in July of 2002 a year after marrying the man of my dreams. I had the husband, now I was ready for my baby. A simple addition...I thought. Only after a frustrating year of trying with only two successes ending in miscarriage did I begin to realize that my dreams of pregnancy may not come true. After that first year our lives turned into a journey of doctors, exams, needles, procedures and tears, lots and lots of tears. I absolutly could not believe that this was happening!
Fast forward to December 2004's meeting with a repoductive specialist: "well guys, we have some hurdles but I think they can be overcome" Our first IVF attempt was in March of 2005. We achieved pregnancy of twins, but again lost our babies to miscarriage in April. Six months later, in October of 2005 we tried again. This time with more meds. We were pregnant again, and past the dreaded six week mark (I had never gotten past six weeks) "everything looks great Sarah! It looks like you had a twin that was lost, but everything looks great! At your next ultrasound in two weeks we should see the heart beat..."
I was so nervous lying on that ultrasound table waiting to see that little heart beating. I was huge, swollen from all of the medication, I looked five months prego at eight weeks, but I didn't care! I was going to be a mommy...and then the tech started the ultra sound. Everything was wrong, the blood flow, the shape of my uterious, and my little heartbeat was no where to be found. Devistated does not even begin to describe how I felt. Because of this being my fifth miscarriage our baby was sent for genitic testing, allowing us the knowledge that it was a boy. Little Riley John Watson was at home with his father in heaven...he was fine, I however was not!
Anger, frustration, doubt, fear, and pain...indescribeble pain. No one understood, no one wanted to be around me, no one knew what to do with me. My friends started to avoid me, people would look the other way to avoid talking to me. I was isolated and had no idea where to turn, or what to do. This is why Matt and I started Elizabeth's Journey. I don't ever want another woman to bear this pain alone! We are here, we care and we want to laugh, cry and walk your journey with you.
Where did my journey end you might be wondering? Well, in 2006 we adopted our daughter, Katy Anne as an infant and it was the most amazing year of our lives! She is everything to us and we couldn't even describe how it feels to be parents. (It's hard...insainly hard, but the most amazing thing in the world!) In August of 2008 my heath problems only increased so we made the decision to undergo a total hystorectomy. Never again will I have the dream of trying again for a pregnancy. I will never know what that feels like, but God is faithful, in 2008, just six short months later we were delighted to get a call from a friend asking us if we would like to adopt their cousin's baby due in six weeks. Our answer YES!!! So in January of 2009 we were again blessed through the gift of adoption with our son, Brixton. Are we done, we don't know. But our journey ended in the most wonderful way it could have for such a devistating start! I still wonder what pregnancy feels like, I still cry for what could have been. But I am a mother of two beautiful, wonderful little kids who have changed my life forever. They brought me out of a dark place and gave me the strength to go on. I will always be greatful that God chose to give me my dreams anyway...not the way I planned, but I am a mother non the less!
The Hidden Journey
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